Small talk to deep talk

The state of society

100 years ago people talked more. Entertainment, work, and daily tasks required conversations. As technology advanced, this requirement receeded. Instead of going to social gatherings we watch television. At work, more time is spent interfacing with a computer than a person. To order a coffee, I scan a QR code instead of speaking to the cashier. As conversations declined, we forgot how to connect. We're now drowning in small talk but thirsting for closeness.

The theory

An experiment instructed pairs of strangers to ask each other 36 questions. At the conclusion participants reported feeling as close, or closer, to their partner than their lifelong friends. The experiment reveals the knowledge we lost — closeness between two people is created through sustained, escalating, reciprocal personal self-disclosure. That is a mouthful so let me break it down.

Disclosure

People are like onions. The surface is visible — it's your job, hobbies, what you did on the weekend. The layers beneath are hidden — what you think and feel. The deeper the layer, the closer to your true identity. Disclosure is the act of revealing these layers. The 36 questions force participants to move through them.

Disclosure carries risk. You make yourself vulnerable by revealing information that could change how others see you. The deeper the layer, the greater the risk. For example, stating:

carries little risk. However, saying:

may cause someone to start doubting your ability.

Reciprocal

Disclosure is an offer for closeness. An act of trust that invites reciprocityreciprocity: TODO. I told you a secret, now you tell me one. If they don't reciprocate by disclosing something of similar depth, it can make you feel embarrassed and rejected. They don't trust you as much as you trust them.

Avoiding this risk is how people get forever stuck in small talk. How you can know someone for years but know little about them. Connection requires someone brave enough to take the first step. To disclose something that may get the ball rolling.

Escalating

To reduce the risk, read what layer someone is at and meet them there. In the past, a colleague I just met told me she feels rejected because she doesn't get invited social events. She was asking for too much trust too soon. Instead of connecting, I recoiled.

Trust needs to be built up through escalating disclosure. The experiement did this by dividing the questions into three sets. Although there is overlap, each set asks participants to disclose specific layers. Moving from the surface to the core.

1. Set one reveals facts and preferences. Using questions like take four minutes and tell your partner your life story.
2. Set two reveals valuesvalues: what matters most to you. Not a goal like buying a house. Rather the reason why you chose that goal, like for family stability, motivations and significant life experiences with what is your most treasured memory?
3. Set three reveals how you see yourself, others and relationships. Asking name something you already like about your partner.

SUSTAINED

Although the experiment lasted only 45 minutes, in real life, building trust takes time. It's a continual process of sharing, listening and reciprocating. The skill is knowing how long to spend at each layer, what the next step is and, make taking it feel effortless. Depending on the person, this could take five minutes or five months.

The other day, I was talking to a friend. As usual, we discussed work, the weekend, and tv shows. I then brought up a conversation I had with a former employer. They wanted to know my goals. They asked me to describe a photograph of my ideal future in five years time. The idea behind this is to get someone to reveal more than the usual vague answers. So instead of something like:

I would say:

I described that photo to my friend. When it was their turn, they replied with a joke instead of disclosing anything.

Although I was hurt, I'm glad I did it. They didn't reveal their goals but they did reveal how little they trust me. This gives me agency to stop investing in that relationship and move on to others who want to connect. I'm tired of small talk.