Generous with disclosure

Years ago, an old school friend invited me to a Sunday BBQ. There would be a lot of people there I didn't know. That made me nervous. I was bad at meeting new people and I already knew how this BBQ would go. I would start a few awkward conversations, feel uncomfortable and leave early.

I was tired of it. I wanted to have fun and make friends like everyone else. So, I decided to do something about it. I searched how to meet people. Every website had similar advice:

• don't talk about yourself, keep the focus on them
• be curious — ask questions
• listen more, talk less

When I got to the BBQ, I felt confident. Unlike past social events, this time I was prepared. I knew what to do. Soon I was introduced to a friend's new girlfriend. Instead of blurting out whatever came to mind, I followed the advice and started asking questions:

Sometimes she tried to move the focus to me, asking:

I gave a short answer and quickly turned the focus back to her:

After five minutes, she was looking for an exit — and so was I. It wasn't just awkward — it was exhausting. It felt like I was interviewing her. By the end, I knew a lot about her, but I didn't feel any closer to her. I felt no motivation to talk to her again or anyone else. So, as usual, I went home early.

Years later, I stumbled across a youtube video — an author was being interviewed about his latest book on friendship. He said four words that hit like a brick — be generous with disclosure. It took me straight back to that BBQ and revealed where I had gone wrong.